She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
