I can tuck mytits in my pants
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
