Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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