don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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