I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
