my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
time to smoke my breakfast
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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