my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
