i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
