My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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