Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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