someone threw a dead crab at me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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