Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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