you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
