i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
