nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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