Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho