so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
