Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
