This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
