I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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