rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
