I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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