I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
