ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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