I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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