his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
