All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
