he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
