just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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