I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
