So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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