I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just invented taco cereal.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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