I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm passing your future prison.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
