is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
