I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
