cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
