Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
