i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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