hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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