i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
