The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
