She is in my trunk
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
