Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
