god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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