You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
