My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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