why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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