you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
