I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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