Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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