Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
