Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
