I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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