i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
