Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
