Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
