I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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