I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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