I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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