I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
